Archive for March, 2008

who needs a panic room when you’ve got a QUANTUM SLEEPER

Posted in Quantum Sleeper on March 30, 2008 by Holly

file under: now i’ve seen everything

there is a bed in development called the Quantum Sleeper that provides all the security you could ever need in the event of an apocalyptic event. you don’t even need a home if you have this sucker, as it has its own toiletry system. it is completely air/water tight and includes an emergency communication system. the cost is a mere $135K or so. oh yeah, and it also weighs approximately 2000 lbs.

the bed is not yet on the market; the inventor is seeking investors to help build new prototypes to test and develop. imagine if this thing were to become readily available to paranoid rich people so they can join cockroaches in being the only survivors of whatever humongous disaster serendipity might have up its sleeve.

horoscoop* du jour

Posted in Weekend Horoscope on March 28, 2008 by Holly

March 21 – April 19 Aries
If you happen to be the Speaker of the House of Representatives, watch out for bullies who threaten you to reject the basic tenets of a democratic society.

April 20 – May 20 Taurus
You’re having dreams about Sanjaya again, aren’t you. This season of AI just isn’t the same. You’re missing him badly and it’s starting to interfere with the day to day.

May 21 – June 20 Gemini
Put up Halloween decorations all over your entire living space this weekend. No reason.

June 21 – July 22 Cancer
Seek out authentic Mexican hot chocolate and drink it. Take my word for this.

July 23 – August 22 Leo
Your assignment this weekend is to locate as many Joe Bonamo books as you can. Caution: it won’t be easy, but it will be very rewarding.

August 23 – September 22 Virgo
Buy Play It As It Lays by Patti Scialfa on Columbia Records & Tapes and rock out to it all weekend.

September 23 – October 22 Libra
Go to Vegas. Remove nipple rings before going to the airport.

October 23 – November 21 Scorpio
If you graduated from Thomas Jefferson College in Allendale, Michigan clap your hands ten times Saturday morning at 11:29 a.m.

November 22 – December 21 Sagittarius
Donnie Hoyleyou so don’t suck at Photoshop! You should be the new poster boy of Photoshop Express. And if you’re not Donnie, friend him on facebook.

December 22 – January 19 Capricorn
Brush your teeth. It’s time.

January 20 – February 18 Aquarius
Get out your Monkees albums and play them. Isn’t it funny how they sound even better now than they did when you were a pipsqueak in the 60′s?

February 19 – March 20 Pisces
Call everyone you’ve ever wronged this weekend and apologize. You’ll feel like a new person. You won’t be, but you will feel like one.

just sayin’…

Posted in Hillary Clinton on March 25, 2008 by Holly

one would think, if one landed at an airport in Bosnia under sniper fire and had to run for shelter, it would leave a pretty strong memory of the incident. so therefore, i am asking you Hillary Clinton, was this a dream or a fantasy? this is the age of video in case you weren’t aware of that, so it’s very easy to find out the truth of the situation. and we have. and it is not a ‘blip’ (great word, thanks for using it) that you looked into people’s eyes and lied about this story. and you are more qualified to be Commander of Chief why exactly? please explain.

horoscoop* du jour

Posted in Weekend Horoscope on March 21, 2008 by Holly

March 21 – April 19 Aries
Read Peter Pan by James M. Barrie. It’s not for kids.

April 20 – May 20 Taurus
You’re spending entirely too much time on Facebook. Time to get a grip.

May 21 – June 20 Gemini
Go on, buy Newsday. You know you want to. No, I don’t mean buy the paper. I mean BUY the PAPER. It’s for sale.

June 21 – July 22 Cancer
Start the day with deep breathing. Then play an extended session of Rock Band. You’ll be ready for anything.

July 23 – August 22 Leo
If you’re a high-class call girl, avoid clients who might be governors.

August 23 – September 22 Virgo
Listen to every song on your Ipod this weekend. There is a message there.

September 23 – October 22 Libra
Pay your bills. The lights are going off.

October 23 – November 21 Scorpio
If you happen to be the Governor of New Mexico, it is a good day for you to endorse a Senator from Illinois as the Democratic Candidate for President of the United States.

November 22 – December 21 Sagittarius
No yawning, all weekend. Or else something really bad might happen.

December 22 – January 19 Capricorn
If you’re an employee at the State Dept., stop snooping. Might be a good weekend to work on your resume.

January 20 – February 18 Aquarius
Remember the advice of Joe Bonomo: “a party isn’t a party without cheese.” Words to live by.

February 19 – March 20 Pisces
If you’re the War in Iraq, you are five years old this week. We never thought you’d reach the age of a toddler. You’ve caused way too much havoc, and overstayed your welcome by about 4.5 years.

kurt cobain sneakers

Posted in Kurt Cobain on March 18, 2008 by Holly

as part of their centennial celebration, it was announced that Converse will be manufacturing Kurt Cobain sneakers in May, no i am not making this up. they don’t come with rifles though, so if you feel like doing the last thing he did while wearing a pair of Converse sneakers, you have to buy your own rifle.

the shoes will feature artwork and scribbles from Cobain’s personal notebooks. they will also have wear and fray detailing and Kurt Cobain’s signature embroidered on the shoe.

to quote Converse, “Distressed in the way Kurt Cobain wore them, the shoes provide a rarely seen glimpse into the head of this musical and lyrical genius with sketches that display his hopes, dreams and lyrics from amazing songs such as Come As You Are.”

from the ridiculous . . . to the ridiculous

Posted in George Bush, Paris Hilton on March 15, 2008 by Holly

it was announced this week that Paris Hilton will star in yet another ‘reality’ show later this year on VH1. the show’s working title is Paris Hilton’s My New BFF. a website has been set up to screen videos of the hopeful candidates who will end up living together in a big house with gobs of drama, fighting against each other tooth and nail and spikeheel, to compete for the envious title of being Paris’ number one galpal. it’s stories like these that make me certain we are much closer to the apocalypse than i realized.

and speaking of the apocalypse, George Bush, the current Leader of the Free World, made a comment so stunning the other day in its ignorance that even i was taken aback. apparently he was participating in a videoconference with military and civilian personnel in Afghanistan, who were talking about the challenges they’ve been facing in their quest to build a democracy there.

“I must say, I’m a little envious,” quoth Bush. “If I were slightly younger and not employed here, I think it would be a fantastic experience to be on the front lines of helping this young democracy succeed . . . It must be exciting for you … in some ways romantic, in some ways, you know, confronting danger. You’re really making history, and thanks.”

exciting………..romantic………excuse me? i think he’s watched a few too many war movies. but my favorite part is that last line. “You’re really making history, and thanks.”

. . . and thanks???? you can’t make this stuff up!

forget Paris. the next ‘reality’ show should be Bush achieving his exciting romantic dream of serving in the Armed Forces overseas. straight to Baghad or Fallujah. and i don’t mean the Green Zone.

horoscoop* du jour

Posted in Weekend Horoscope on March 14, 2008 by Holly

March 21 – April 19 Aries
Your extreme fascination with Britney Spears has got to stop.

April 20 – May 20 Taurus
Waste huge gobs of time watching the “You Suck at Photoshop” series on My Damn Channel. Very, very important.

May 21 – June 20 Gemini
Play a video game, all weekend long. Work on flexing the obsession muscle.

June 21 – July 22 Cancer
You’ll get a call soon from someone in your deep, dark past. Your second-grade teacher, maybe.

July 23 – August 22 Leo
Whatever you do this weekend, wear a hat when you do it.

August 23 – September 22 Virgo
Say it, don’t spray it.

September 23 – October 22 Libra
Netflix all the Beatles’ movies and learn the dialogue by heart.

October 23 – November 21 Scorpio
Go to the store. Any store. Buy something. Anything.

November 22 – December 21 Sagittarius
Go gluten-free. Yes, really.

December 22 – January 19 Capricorn
That itch you’ve been scratching is a deep-seated phobia. Just in case you were wondering. Move on.

January 20 – February 18 Aquarius
Visit a tiki bar. You’ll know why when you get there.

February 19 – March 20 Pisces
We saw what you did. We know who you are. Time to steer clear of clichés.

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