March 21 – April 19 Aries
Read Peter Pan by James M. Barrie. It’s not for kids.
April 20 – May 20 Taurus
You’re spending entirely too much time on Facebook. Time to get a grip.
May 21 – June 20 Gemini
Go on, buy Newsday. You know you want to. No, I don’t mean buy the paper. I mean BUY the PAPER. It’s for sale.
June 21 – July 22 Cancer
Start the day with deep breathing. Then play an extended session of Rock Band. You’ll be ready for anything.
July 23 – August 22 Leo
If you’re a high-class call girl, avoid clients who might be governors.
August 23 – September 22 Virgo
Listen to every song on your Ipod this weekend. There is a message there.
September 23 – October 22 Libra
Pay your bills. The lights are going off.
October 23 – November 21 Scorpio
If you happen to be the Governor of New Mexico, it is a good day for you to endorse a Senator from Illinois as the Democratic Candidate for President of the United States.
November 22 – December 21 Sagittarius
No yawning, all weekend. Or else something really bad might happen.
December 22 – January 19 Capricorn
If you’re an employee at the State Dept., stop snooping. Might be a good weekend to work on your resume.
January 20 – February 18 Aquarius
Remember the advice of Joe Bonomo: “a party isn’t a party without cheese.” Words to live by.
February 19 – March 20 Pisces
If you’re the War in Iraq, you are five years old this week. We never thought you’d reach the age of a toddler. You’ve caused way too much havoc, and overstayed your welcome by about 4.5 years.